Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
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“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?