APOLOGISE NOW!!!
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friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet