CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
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Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
new record!
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
i’m still crying at this
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.