[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
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Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
called in thicc to work this morning
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
“i am a sweet baby”
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist