It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
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My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?