There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
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I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Good morning, Twitter 😊
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?