I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
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[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”