new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
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I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
lol
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.