[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
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Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
584.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.