“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
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No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.