I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
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Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I’m putting together a team
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book