Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
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A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
twitter is a journey
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth