Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
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Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.