Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
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Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
*pronounces surface like Versace*
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.