Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
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“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.