Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
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7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
You’re the water to my grease fire.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
oh you wanna fight?!