“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
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Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.