gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
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why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)