Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
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My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.