@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
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“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Mood.. 😂
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.