I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
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No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Happy Thanksgiving
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*