1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
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1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
“Sheer Arrogance”
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Nice try Hitler
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.