*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
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GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them