Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
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Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Every BBC series about the universe.