“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
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can’t bark with your mouth full
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I’m sorry…what?
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”