My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
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what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Coffee for people with no kids