There is no “ea” in Tim.
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Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I didn’t come here to be called names
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.