I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
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I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian