Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
You Might Also Like
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.