When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
You Might Also Like
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Become ungovernable.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.