It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
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Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Batman v Dracula
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}