I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
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Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Human are so complicated
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on