Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
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Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after