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I just tested negative for patience.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.