It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
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Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
#Caturday
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Once again not all heroes wear capes