Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
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request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.