I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
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Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Pretty much. 🤣
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is