It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
You Might Also Like
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Simple enough.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]