girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
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Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
What
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺