Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
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PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
my mind
You just read my mind
Not today
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.