If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
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“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
when u come home smelling like another dog
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.