My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
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SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
oh u like history? name everything that happened
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Just got to our Airbnb!
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I’m awake but I object,
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
me, too, girl. me, too.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how