I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
You Might Also Like
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Anyone want a chair?
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Wednesday