‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
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Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
584.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell