This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
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My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
best review i’ve ever seen
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.