Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
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My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Ghost costume 😂
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God