I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
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Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.