if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
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why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
How is it still this week?
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?