Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
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A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.