I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
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“i miss shittin on people”
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign